My Facebook and Twitter accounts and blog readers are a motley collection of people, spanning all types of people.
Citizens of different countries.
Adherents to different religions, or different stripes of the same religion.
Different genders. (I think–do any men read my blog other than Taxman? Not entirely sure. Feel free to delurk. I don’t bite. Really. I yell sometimes, but then I offer chocolate or homemade cookies or muffins. Especially if you take out the trash and do the dishes.)
And also different sexual orientations.
This is something I don’t blog about, or speak about, or change my Facebook status about. Because I’ve been wimpy and idiotic. And trying not to offend anyone.
But I am offending MYSELF and my deepest beliefs.
I am not going to do it any more.
I’ve been peering in for a long time now. In college I was the Orthodox kid who went to all the GLBQT dances. Because DUH, they were the best ones! I raised money for the AIDS dance-a-thon in my college city because it was a good cause and a kick-ass party.
I practice Orthodox Judaism. What I do NOT practice is bigotry or hate. I don’t hate anyone. I am not going to preach hate in my house, and if you do I will ask you to leave. I don’t want my kids around it. “Hate” is not a word that we allow very much at home, particularly not when it comes to other people. You can be angry with someone, or disagree with them, but hate is too strong. It is impossible to come back from.
When a candidate for New York governor goes to a heavily Orthodox neighborhood to preach his intolerance to raves and applause, I get incensed. Because “we” are not all “like that.”
One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I did not stand up to people who were casually tossing around homophobic slurs. It was at a shabbat lunch in my neighborhood, years ago. They were a couple who had been educated at two fine secular institutions in one of the most modern, open, multicultural cities in the world. I don’t remember exactly what they said about gay people, only that I was so enraged that I was going to leave. I didn’t. I didn’t say anything. I still hate that I didn’t. But later I told Taxman that speech like that was unacceptable in our house; and nobody would be allowed to be so venemous.
Honestly, now that I am a mother I think I’d be far more assertive on that front. What my children hear and my reactions to it are going to help them develop their beliefs and ideals. And we don’t hate anyone. We don’t want people to hurt one another. The number one rule in our house is “be safe” (applied to one’s self); the number two rule is “be kind” (applied to others).
The spate of suicides of young people in the United States in the past weeks–the ones that we know about–due to bullying because of sexual orientation is horrifying. It is a violation of the basic idea that people have the right to be different from one another and to be safe in that difference.
Truthfully, any bullying is horrifying. I know. I lived it, from both sides.
Fifth and sixth grades were really terrible for me. I was picked on for certain aspects of my appearance. Hurtful as it was, I am grateful that I lived much more internally; “you’re ugly,” as mean as it was, was less damaging in the long run that “you’re stupid” would have been. (Though I was always confident in my mental abilities, to this day being told that I am pretty or sexy or beautiful is met with disbelief. Huh, maybe I didn’t get over it. Thanks, everyone in my sixth grade class!)
At the same time, we all turned on a boy who was truly different. In retrospect, I am virtually sure he was on the autism spectrum, stuck with a bunch of smart and smart-ass kids. He was brilliant. Spent his days composing music. At age 11. This was not seen for the brilliance it was, but rather extreme difference. Because picking up on social cues was not his forte, I don’t know that he was affected by how we teased him. In any event, it was 100% not right. And I went along with it because I was already socially outcast and didn’t want it to be worse. Joe, I’m sorry. I wish I had been more brave. I hope you’re happy and healthy and successful.
Really, I would never go back to 1986. Never. Ever. (Luckily 1986 was followed by 1987, in which I went to junior high and Found My People. Anna and Jessica, Jenny and Neeri, Brian and Tilden and Graham and Rachel and Mr. McAlpine the English teacher and Mr. Kincaid the choir director and Miss Cozad the social studies teacher, and wow this is the least anonymous post ever. Anyway, thanks. I am probably the only person in the universe that found junior high school a relief after elementary school, but that’s how it was.)
But I digress.
When people try to defend their homophobia with “scripture” (of any kind), I am infuriated. Why? Because that is simplistic. And conversation ending. “Because the Bible said so,” leaves no room for interpretation (and what of the thousands upon thousands of commentaries of the Bible? That’s the end of that argument) and no room for discussion.
Why are people so afraid of difference? If every person, even those who appear to be truly evil, is created “b’tzelem elokim” (in the image of G-d), than it is every other’s person’s responsibility to recognize that. I’m not saying you have to LIKE the difference, I am just saying you have to ACCEPT it, just as you would want someone to accept your differences and allow you to live a peaceful, happy, fulfilled life. And admit that it is YOU with the problem, not THEM.
So there it is. Gay people are just people. They are entitled to live safely, at any age. If they want to get married, they should be able to get married. Why? Because marriage is about love and acceptance and safety and having someone else to look out for you at the end of day and at the end of your life. Having the faith to put your whole self into the hands of someone else for safekeeping shouldn’t be the exclusive right of heterosexuals–heaven knows we’ve screwed it up for centuries. Why not share the wealth? (Seriously, why are straight people so afraid of this? I am dying to know. And do NOT use the Bible as your argument. Go.)
Here are some things I’ve read/seen lately and not so lately on these topics that I really like. (Warning: the language in some of them is strong. It’s a strong topic.)
Ellen Degeneres
Kate Harding
Single Dad Laughing
It Gets Better–Dan and Terry Also for straight people!
Any episode of Glee that involves Kurt (played by Chris Colfer) and his dad (played by Mike O’Malley)
Prop 8, The Musical Made me laugh.
“Don’t Divorce Us” Made me cry.
If you are going to comment on this post–or any other–I ask that you choose your words carefully and with respect. Please feel free to add links to other related messages.
Added October 14: just so that people outside the Orthodox community undertand what GLBTQ people can be up against (leaving aside politics, marriage-or-not, and such trifles, for a moment), this piece is written by a well know rabbi, who happens to be gay, partnered, and Orthodox. Like Rabbi Greenberg, I hestitate to share it because it seems so beyond the pale, but at the same time I beg people in the Orthodox community to think about the affect of turning thoughts into words into deeds.
Hear hear. The world has more than enough hate already. None of us should be adding to it in any way, for any reason.
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Beautiful. You made me cry, just a little.
I’m adding Tim Gunn because man, if you can hate on him you have no heart.
This is beautiful.
I’ll add a story: we took our girls to a wedding recently, and Pumpkin, the 3.5 year old, was really taken with the “wedding girl” and the idea of weddings in general.
Not long after the wedding, she announced that she was going to get married when she was 5. She would be marrying her friend Molly.
We just smiled and said we’d talk to Molly’s parents. And later, we said that we hoped that such a union would be legal again in our state before Pumpkin turns 5.
And yeah, I really do not understand the argument that allowing gay people to marry somehow weakens my marriage. My marriage stands on its own, thanks.
At 3, you’re just grateful they want to marry someone who isn’t a relative.
Have I told you lately that I love you? π
One of your best posts, EVER.
Delurking to support your decision to speak up!
I could have written your post, almost word for word. Except not as well. And I’m not Jewish, I’m LDS.
Thanks.
Hi- I’m new here and I think this blog is awesome! Thank you for posting this. I hope millions of people read it. It made me sick, as a Jew, seeing the video of Paladino talking to those Chareidi men, and how they were smiling at his intolerant comments. Someone needs to tell them that spreading so much hate will not protect their children from the world. Someone needs to inform them that with tolerance and open dialogue people can come to conclusions on their own and become actual people, not black and white robots, sorry to be so harsh.
Thank you, Ema…. for saying it far more eloquently than I could.
The headlines lately made me remember the lyrics to a song from Rgers and Hammersteins South Pacific..”You’ve Got to be Taught”
Thanks for having the guts to post this! I couldn’t agree more!
Really great post!
… I have so much to say on this! I am frustrated because I don’t have the time. I read the first half of what you wrote and was cheering!!! Couldn’t agree with you more. But I don’t like the idea of same sex marriage being called marriage. Sorry. And I need to find a good way to articulate why. I feel a blog post percolating, and will get back to you….
Two thumbs up.
And on the subject of marriage – if someone wants to distinguish between religion-sanctioned formal relationships (‘marriage’) and government-sanctioned (acknowledged?) relationships (marriage, “civil union”, etc), then we should all be *married* by the priest/rabbi/whatever and file for a civil union with the courts. Gender-blind. With equivalent tax and health benefits, and automatic power of attorney if incapacitated.
This is how they do it in Europe, I think.
Beautiful!
My religion–and my denomination (remember the “gay bishop” hoopla)–are divided on the issue of sexuality, but I am right there with you. Thanks for saying it so well.
Great post!! I love what you said about accepting others. Just because I don’t agree with what you do, doesn’t mean I can’t accept you and our differences.
I take extreme issue with your suggestion that only Taxman reads your blog. I am a male and I also read your blog.
To address the more serious topic in your blog, I’ll add what I have been thinking about this for some time. Even if we accept that a homosexual lifestyle is a classified as “a sin against God”, I cannot understand why there is any room to accept someone less for this particular sin than any other — eating non-kosher or voilating the Sabbath for example. With regards to gay marriage, I completely fail to understand how other people getting married affects my own marriage.
My apologies, Donny, I did let your diatribe about how I’m not funny enough completely slip my mind! Mea culpa.
I agree with your other points. There are so few people who are blameless in their behavior (ben adam l’chavero or ben adam l’makom), it seems impossible to judge others. Which of course doesn’t stop people. But it should.
This is a beautiful and important post.
Fabulous post. I just finished reading Haviva Ner-David’s Life on the Fringes where she addresses every aspect of life through the lens of her Orthodoxy and feminism. One of the things she addresses beautifully is where gays, lesbians, etc. fit into the religious Jewish world. I can’t possibly do it justice, but wanted to assure you that your feelings expressed in this post have some backing from other learned Jews who care about people who are different.
I didn’t realize the bok tackled this topic too. Thanks Shimshonit for pointing it out to me.
I want to say something brilliantly supportive here to convey how awesome I think your post is, but I spent the afternoon shopping for new sneakers for my 8-year-old π and thus have no mental energy left.
So instead I will just reiterate that it’s awesome.
This is a brilliant post. So well said. Thank you for saying it!
I have issues with Rabbi Greenberg that have nothing to do with his being gay, but I love (mmm, is that the right word?) the rest of this post.
There is a website created in response to the homophobia (it’s old, so it’s pre-current hysteria), based on Biblical prohibitions:
http://www.godhatesshrimp.com/
What Donny said. Kashrut is mentioned FAR more often than homosexuality. The Torah mentions the ACT only, not the people committing the act, and who are we to assume and judge what people are doing in the privacy of their bedrooms?!
So, next time we’re by you for Shabbat, we shouldn’t bring up Sarah Palin? Cause I have a hate-on for her. j/k
ps: I love every scene with Kurt and his dad. Brilliant.
You should get angry more often. π
Seriously, well written… and I couldn’t have said it better (G-d knows I tried).
Great post!