We had Miss M in one-on-one therapy this year for several months to try to get to the bottom of what, exactly, her attention-slash-social deficits are.
What she received was another adult who got to know her very well. She loved the one-on-one attention and got to creatively express herself. Over the course of months, things seemed to smooth out at school, but I wouldn’t necessarily attribute that to the therapy. Although who really knows?
Taxman and I also had a few meetings with the therapist. I was hoping to get a point-by-point plan to get her on to the “children would be best-advised to listen to their parents” notion, but what I got were two inquiries as to whether she had been tested for giftedness (lo and behold, she was later tested, through the national Dept. of Education, and she is). Also encouragement that we are doing the right things with her, being strict and repetitive and full of rules and constantly dragging her out from her fun little bubble of books to meet the rest of the world, replete with table manners and social cues and train schedules.
But, wow, I’m sick of it. I’m tired of the sound of my own voice. I’m tired of a five-minute task being dragged out to one hour. I’m tired of the morning song-and-dance. I’m tired of the threats to take away stuff. I’m tired of negotiating showers. I am tired of her not seeing the big picture–that if she will just put down her book for 10 damn minutes and play with AM that he will stop whining and I will back her up for having made an effort.
Apparently there is no evidence that Einstein said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” but nevertheless I really want to try to apply that what I’m doing here, because Plan A (or B or C or whatever the hell plan we’re on) isn’t working.
I kind of want to just let go of everything, let her dishes pile up at her place at the table, let her laundry pile up on the floor, let her dirty socks and papers and dust bunnies populate her room, not enforce bedtime, let her go to school without putting on sunscreen (although this would cause me guilt in extremis–it is like the surface of the sun out there lately).
I want her to be easy. Just to see what that would be like. I mean, I’d probably think she was now a zombie or a Stepford Wife, but it might be pleasant. And not attract the attention of the neighbors with all the yelling all the time.
So…let us see if I can, just a smidge, let go.
That sounds rough. And scarily like my future, with my “I’ll argue anything” 5 year old.
Maybe try letting go of your requirements for her room? Apparently, my parents fought over this one and my dad one, and I was allowed to keep it at about one notch up from a pigsty. Then I went off to college and something changed and I started keeping a fairly neat room. It could have been the tiny dorm room I had the first year. Or maybe it was the fact that there was no longer a clean living room to escape to!
Their rule, if I remember properly, was that I had to clean up my messes in the common areas, but the state of my room was largely up to me.
Believe me, as a family, we are not overly tidy by any means. But my policy (for the few months) has been if clothes don’t make it to the hamper (or into the washer), they don’t get washed. If it were just piles of books on the floor, I could live with it, but things get heaped on her bed and then it’s a pain to change the sheets. Things fall behind her bed–she and AM had a “sleepover” on Friday night in her room–I always joke that some day we are going to find Jimmy Hoffa back there. It’s that crazy. Also part of why I never allow food in the bedroom…
During the week I also don’t care so much, but on Shabbat we often have friends pop over–I at least want everyone’s stuff out of the living room.
So, my parents had the “get your stuff out of the living room” policy. But yeah, I heaped stuff on my bed and stuff fell under… we once found a really scary looking carrot under my bed. I remember that puzzled us all, because at the time, I wouldn’t eat carrots!
I think that by the time I’m remembering, I was already in charge of my own laundry. Or at least of bringing it out to be included in the communal wash when the call went out.
But I am certainly not arguing that you SHOULD let her room devolve to whatever state is her baseline. Just saying that if you were to do that, there is a chance that she’d come around to a tidier way of life, eventually.
Good luck. And be sure to post what eventually works best for you guys, so that I can steal ideas from you for handling my future issues!
This morning I didn’t yell, but I did make two trips to school–one with AM, who was on time, and one with Miss M, who failed to do a pre-school task I had originally given her yesterday in a timely way and therefore was not ready to go.
Even though she was only 5 minutes late, she was pretty hysterical. I gave a little song-and-dance about actions and consequences during the car ride there, but I have zero faith that this will matter the next time.
But I didn’t yell.
My MIL, with 6 kids, strongly believes that what makes kids easy (obedience, etc) does them no good as adults while what makes them difficult (see all above) serves them very well. I have no idea if that’s true (can’t say why on a public blog!
) but keep repeating it.
You’re a great mom! I’ve seen you in action! Tired, perhaps, but a true parent’s parent. (Is that a thing? Can it be?)
Oh, I hear you. And I hope the let a little bit go and see what happens works for you…C at 10.5 can now sometimes be reasoned with, so there is hope I think. Although his favorite catch phrase is still “But I’m READING!” as if that excuses everything.
The room drives me nuts. I finally promised to schedule a much wanted sleepover just so I could use that as a carrot/stick to get him to sort through everything. But then I actually had to host the sleepover when he pulled through and cleaned it all
.
Wow. Just as I typed that comment, C just came in and announced that he is going to clean his room tomorrow. Blow me over, there is hope my friend.
*Heartened*
She seems to like certain things, like emptying the dishwasher (which I have always hated), so I am going to exploit that as much as possible.
Kate, we must do coffee, lunch, Ofer’s, something, This so reminds me of a special someone that I know (although she’s not “gifted”–but she is very bright)…So much to say, but I gotta go…..
Kids are in camp July 1-19, so that’s when I’m free
Call me!
Although I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’m glad to hear there is someone else out there feeling like me! It’s as though there’s nothing I can say to my 8 year old to get a reaction from her, other than shrugging her shoulders or crossing her arms. Sometimes I just want to shake her and tell her how easy life would be if she would just listen and obey, for goodness sake!
As always, another great post.
Oy vey. I see my life in 5 years. I think I may cry. I wish I could be as snarkily sarcastic as you, madame.
Well, honestly, my plan all went to hell yesterday when she left her bathing suit at camp for the second day in a row. Plus towel. There was…yelling and headbanging–because didn’t her backpack seem strangely light? No? What????
I just remembered recently, when trying to discipline my 6 year old, that there’s this 6-9 year old time when they can’t be reasoned with. It isn’t teenagerhood – you likely get a break before that hits – it’s older childhood, when they feel capable and just don’t “get” the structure the adults in their lives expect of them. So they resist it like intelligent 2-year-olds.
While I do appreciate that, I don’t see this as changing any time soon. There is something to the idea of an “artistic temperment” and she has it in spades.
Nothing will happen if you don’t wash her sheets regularly. I mean, they’ll get dirty. My mother went on sheet-washing strike for about ten years, and only washed our sheets twice a year (her own more often!), and now , as adults, 3/4 of us wash our sheets ourselves more often than that, although nothing as crazy as once every week (or whatever “normal” people do). Well, maybe my brother does. And my brother-in-law, if that counts.
My other also had a daughter with an “artistic temperament” and she still has it (at 20-something). My mother also stopped washing dishes, period (no machine growing up) and eventually, when there were no more clean dishes, my sister would wash enough just for herself… Sigh.
took me long enough to get here and start reading about your life, which btw, is like my autobiography. I don’t know you, but I love you. I am you.
When #1 was 3,4,5,6 yrs old, there were screaming fits (on both parts) tons of therapy, testing of all sorts to figure what he had….which in the end was a sensory disorder…today we are closing in at 13 yrs old and while the screaming has not stopped (so say the neighbors that keep reminding us) there is at least a little more respect for us, for his siblings, for his room…and his stuff. There is hope. But you’ll still be tired The good news? You are not alone
Hi, thanks for stopping by.
When she was younger there were some sensory things (loud noises in particular) and odd fears. These are thankfully fading with time.