Some middle-of-the-night conversations.

Starring AM, self, and other self.*

AM (grunting, trying to hoist himself up onto my bed by pulling on my pillow): Ehhhhh!
Me (reaching over to help): C’mere.

Self: WHAT are you DOING?
Other self: Wha? Whozat?
Self: You are TRYING to NIGHTWEAN him, you DUMBASS!
Other self: Well, it could be 4:30 in the morning. Or even five! That would be ok.
Self: And what time is it?
Other self (propping on an elbow to look at the clock): 2:30.
Self: Put him back in his bed right now!
Other self: I am so tired. I am just going to lie right here. He will settle down.
Self: Whoa, are you stupid!
Other self to AM, who is signing to nurse: Honey, we’re not going to nurse right now. We’ll nurse later.
AM: Waaaaah!
Other self: Shhh….ok, you can nurse, but only for one minute. Ema is going to count to 10 and then you will be all done.
Self: I can’t even talk to you anymore!
Other self: Ok, AM, you’re finished.
AM: Waaaaah!

AM stops fussing, but proceeds to do his usual “I am a honeybee, and I have the pollen 411″ dance in bed.

Other self: All right, let’s go back to your bed.
AM: Waaah!
Self: It’s about time. Although waiting 30 minutes? Bad idea.

Twenty minutes after that.

AM: Eh!
Self/Other self: Lie down, AM! Stay in your bed, please.
AM: Waaahhh!

Ten minutes later, AM is climbing my pillow. Again.

Other self: I give up. AM, you can nurse.
Self: You know, you try to be all smart and read Ask Moxie, but at your very core, you are a dumbass!
Other self: Shut up! I am just!so!tired!
Self: So this is really helping you out.
Other self: Did I ask for your opinion?

At 4, I take AM back to his bed, where he sleeps until 5 and rejoins me.

At 6:44, I hear thud, thud, thud in the hallway.

Miss M: Ema, I want to nurse, please!
Me: Go use the potty. Now. And please whisper–I don’t want you to wake AM.
Miss M (crying): I want to nurse!
Me: Just go to the bathroom!
AM: Ehhh.

Some day, I will spend a night in a hotel. With an Ambien. I will wake up and be a human being.

I look forward to that day.

* Taxman would help if he could, but AM + Taxman at night = unearthly shrieks of displeasure. But when we really go for the nightweaning, I think that is how it’s going to have to be for a few nights. Just trying to find the time to schedule it.